So I had this big huge blog all typed up - half finished, really - about Dean Koontz, post-modernism/idealism, authorial intrusion, Norman Patridge, and empathetic characters....
And then looked at the thing and thought: "Meh. Who cares?"
I deleted it.
Then, I was going to blog about my 10 or 20 favorite books of 2011. I read almost as much as I write, so I figured my opinions might sorta be somewhat valid.
Then, I saw about twenty OTHER writers doing the same thing on Facebook. Once again, the "Meh" factor kicked in.
And really, it's come down to this: Blog, or write fiction? (because some people will maintain that blogging is writing, and it is...but which is the better use of my time?)
Obviously, I'll choose fiction every time. So what I'm going to do is get myself together, head to the library, and so some writing.
I'm a little down about my "career" - such as it is - lately. But I'm doing my best to keep my chin up, not complain about it a whole lot. And I'm also starting to form - how shall we say - some really negative opinions concerning stuff that's happening in the horror small press lately. Also just trying to let those things go, as annoying as they are. I just hear people saying stuff, then see stuff that completely contradicts what I hear them saying.
But that's human nature. It's like that everywhere - at the workplace, in families, in the business world. Certainly not limited to publishing or the horror genre.
Again, maybe this is a sign. That I should hang it up? Who knows. Even if it is a sign for me to quit, I probably won't listen. I'm stubborn that way. More and more, it's forcing me to realize I'm at a crossroads, here.
One I'm stuck at.
As I see folks I started with two years plunging way ahead of me. See folks I gave advice to two years ago completely outpace me. And here I am, stuck in idle, forced to mull these questions over and over every single day:
What type of writer do I want to be?
Am I really a "horror" writer? Suspense/Supernatural Thriller?Adventure? Dark Fantasy? Does it matter?
Where do I want to concentrate my efforts? The small press? Micro Press? Or really commit myself to insanity, and only aim at the top?
Do Cons really matter? Would my career be any worse off if I never went to another Con, ever?
Please forgive me if this sounds overly whining or complaining. I'm trying not to be that way. Trying very hard to walk the fine line between being honest and saying too much. But, as I stand here and look at 2012 ahead, I can only think of one thing that would keep me writing.
And that's the writing.
The desire to see the finished story.
So that's how I'm going to spend my day, the rest of 2011, and all of 2012. All those questions above? Who knows? I have no answers for those. The only answer to any question I have is this:
Will I ever stop writing?
We'll see....
You're not whining, Kevin. You're refreshingly vulnerable. As I've shared before, that's one of the main reasons I enjoy your blog. You have a forthright honesty that makes me feel like I know something about the "real" you, though we've never met. You articulate many of the same questions and uncertainties that I've felt over the past ten years as I've struggled to improve. Including the "meh, who cares?" feeling when it comes to creating blog posts.
ReplyDeleteAmong other things, I appreciate your willingness here to "make friends with a question mark"...sometimes the courage to confront the questions is more important than having all the answers.
Thanks, Alan. I guess that's become the mandate of this blog. There are countless blogs written by authors, and they're all blogging about writing, books, advice, all that...the only way I see how to make this blog even slightly unique is to incorporate ME into it, somehow.
ReplyDeleteI mean, I have opinions and ideas about writing and the publishing industry, but so do lots of other folks, and my ideas and opinions aren't all that unique. But as an individual, I'd hope that I'm at least slightly unique, so I try to filter all these things through me. Which makes this blog more like a personal journal for everyone to see, less my blog on all these important things I pretend to be an authority on.
Thanks for posting!
I've heard myself speak similar language, and as it stands, I still have a post, all pretty and done up about 2011 too, but I think I'll be deleting it. Yes, meh.
ReplyDeleteI tend to get down every now and then about the blog world, not enough writers participating, some writers consistently putting out more than me, etc., but in the end, it has to come down to the writing. Doing it because you enjoy it.
I'll be doing W1S1 this 2012, so I'll be doing just that, more writing, less blogging, though still following some of my favorite writers.
Good luck, Kevin, and Cheers to honesty!
Thanks, Erin, and thanks for posting!
ReplyDelete